Marriage Marred
This is an advertisement, which is worth a good laugh, for Nomad whereby there are selling out their "No commitment, no contract" for mobile plan.
In the ad, the couple has just tied the nuptial knot and are being led by their raging hormones. Bride goes missing for quite awhile and groom peeps into the toilet only to be horrified by seeing his bride standing to pee - you get the picture.
I feel that true marriages are always hard to come by.
By true, I define is as the legal union of two people who stand by their matrimonial vows which stems from the love they have for each other; meaning they abide by each word: "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."
Since time, wedded bliss revolves more around money issues and extending the family line. In the past, daughters are married off to settle debts using their dowry. Men are forced to get married for procreating purposes, Wives are chosen based on their abilities in household chores and the ability to bear children. Relational development might happen after, or not at all.
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http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/862580/teen-marries-elderly-man-to-settle-debt
Recently, in Bangladesh, a teenage (13-year old) daughter was married off to a 75-year old creditor, in payment of the cow her dad has loaned. Apparently such instances are very common in Bangladesh, a Muslim majority nation, as they are able to alter their ages.
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Here are a few excerpts of an interview of a couple who married for materialistic measures and are opened about it:
Guy: "Think of it this way, most men have low self-esteem. He works hard to dress nice, buy hot stuff, etc. He wants a woman to notice. His thinking “If I can do this for myself, baby imagine what I can do for you.” That’s the bait and we fall for it every time. Now, not all guys can live up to this. Once you’re married and start to inquire you may learn he’s in debt, a con man or living off his momma’s insurance money and rents instead of owns his mini-mansion. Do yourself a favor and check all background and financial history prior to saying “I Do”.
Girl: “I’d say 60% money and 40% love. Just the way it should be.”
If a couple came together out of love and feelings for one another and that 50% of marriages ended up a flop, maybe this is why people are marrying for other reasons.
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However, should people marry for money, their main aim would be finalizing the divorce settlements instead. Divorce usually happen for 2 main reasons, one of it is communication, and the other, simply when feelings subside. Communication can lead to conflicts or non-communication leads to a stagnant relationship. Either way, it triggers the breakdown of the couples relationship and they find it pointless to continue.
However, now divorce can generate a large sum due to the splitting of assets, this is also why multiple marriages are a norm to some, mostly the ladies.
**While marriage equality for the single-sex is garnering a lot of attention, the media has overlooked the historic transformation in marriages which has consequences in socio-economical equality.
Statistics shown that both men and women whom are college-educated derive a higher sense of marital satisfaction and tend to enjoy a more blissful marriage as compared to those lacking one, who forgo marriage or face divorce at the end of the day.
Men without degrees are more incapable of generating a household wage, thus the tendency for them to settle down is lower. However, the number of non-college man is decreasing, leaving the less educated ladies, with lesser chances of education as compared to men, with fewer prospects.
Besides that, the shift is evident in the matrimony itself. The wedding ceremony, parties and dinners are getting more and more lavishing - they hire wedding organizers, floral designers, choose to hold it in exclusive destinations. In the movie, Bride Wars, the two friends are competing to have a wedding more outstanding than the other. In the past a modest church wedding followed by a dinner at a restaurant or in their backyards would have sufficed.
Marriage has taken a social shift as well. In the past at one point of time, settling down was ushering men and women into the adult life of starting a new family with a new load of responsibilities. Everyone could marry then, the young, the freshly graduated and the poor, Now, the definition has changed, the priorities have switched around. They see marriage as tying one down, not only settling. Only after a career has been stabilized, would marriage then be part of their option.
I guess one way of diminishing this gap between them is to further extend the chances of a college education to everyone, especially those with low income, or to provide them another chance at having an education for the blue-collared,
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Next, there are also some who do not believe in the institute of marriage. They feel that as long as both couples have feelings for each other and can cohabit in bliss together, there is not a need for them to legalize their marriage.
Here are a few excerpts of an interview of a couple who married for materialistic measures and are opened about it:
Guy: "Think of it this way, most men have low self-esteem. He works hard to dress nice, buy hot stuff, etc. He wants a woman to notice. His thinking “If I can do this for myself, baby imagine what I can do for you.” That’s the bait and we fall for it every time. Now, not all guys can live up to this. Once you’re married and start to inquire you may learn he’s in debt, a con man or living off his momma’s insurance money and rents instead of owns his mini-mansion. Do yourself a favor and check all background and financial history prior to saying “I Do”.
Girl: “I’d say 60% money and 40% love. Just the way it should be.”
If a couple came together out of love and feelings for one another and that 50% of marriages ended up a flop, maybe this is why people are marrying for other reasons.
However, should people marry for money, their main aim would be finalizing the divorce settlements instead. Divorce usually happen for 2 main reasons, one of it is communication, and the other, simply when feelings subside. Communication can lead to conflicts or non-communication leads to a stagnant relationship. Either way, it triggers the breakdown of the couples relationship and they find it pointless to continue.
However, now divorce can generate a large sum due to the splitting of assets, this is also why multiple marriages are a norm to some, mostly the ladies.
**While marriage equality for the single-sex is garnering a lot of attention, the media has overlooked the historic transformation in marriages which has consequences in socio-economical equality.
Statistics shown that both men and women whom are college-educated derive a higher sense of marital satisfaction and tend to enjoy a more blissful marriage as compared to those lacking one, who forgo marriage or face divorce at the end of the day.
Men without degrees are more incapable of generating a household wage, thus the tendency for them to settle down is lower. However, the number of non-college man is decreasing, leaving the less educated ladies, with lesser chances of education as compared to men, with fewer prospects.
Besides that, the shift is evident in the matrimony itself. The wedding ceremony, parties and dinners are getting more and more lavishing - they hire wedding organizers, floral designers, choose to hold it in exclusive destinations. In the movie, Bride Wars, the two friends are competing to have a wedding more outstanding than the other. In the past a modest church wedding followed by a dinner at a restaurant or in their backyards would have sufficed.
Marriage has taken a social shift as well. In the past at one point of time, settling down was ushering men and women into the adult life of starting a new family with a new load of responsibilities. Everyone could marry then, the young, the freshly graduated and the poor, Now, the definition has changed, the priorities have switched around. They see marriage as tying one down, not only settling. Only after a career has been stabilized, would marriage then be part of their option.
I guess one way of diminishing this gap between them is to further extend the chances of a college education to everyone, especially those with low income, or to provide them another chance at having an education for the blue-collared,
Next, there are also some who do not believe in the institute of marriage. They feel that as long as both couples have feelings for each other and can cohabit in bliss together, there is not a need for them to legalize their marriage.
So where exactly does marriage stands in our society now?
Labels: interpersonal, marriages
posted by cheryl at
11:08 AM
28 Comments:
Hey Cheryl
I agree that there are a lot of sad, materialistic marriages in the world, but we cannot discount the fact that there are geniune ones.
While it's true no marriage is all beds of roses, one must remember marriage is a life-long commitment. I think what most tend to forget is this, since divorce rates are on the rise. Therefore, I feel it's completely essential that couples take time to get a crisp understanding of each other and not rush into marriage.
It's quite sad too how marriage may seem like an 'exchange' to the materialistic. I think such should be frowned upon. It's not something one should 'bravely' or 'openly' declare about. It should be to their shame that they reduced the beauty of marriage to but a material-exchange.
-Chervin
i think society has made us all cynics and reading your post makes me feel all the more cynical haha but still, i enjoyed reading this!
I agree with your last point, regarding the need for a marriage. In my opinion, marriage is nothing but a public declaration of love. However, I believe there comes a stage when the pressures of society would be too great for a couple to continue leading their blissful, unmarried lives.
Take having a kid for example(the spawn you and your spouse decided to make to replace yourselves). There comes a point where this kid would start to question the status of his parents, and he would be the one that suffers when (the innocence of) kids at school start asking 'why' this and 'how come' that about his/her parents.
And if this couple decides not to have kids, the questions would then be directed from friends and family, to not only the couple but also to their parents. Even though the couple might be able to proudly declare the status of their relationship, the same might not be said for their parents, all in them being from the generation that they and their acquiaintances come from. Would I place my happiness above that of my parents, knowing that they might be bombarded with questions about the upbringing of their child and the path their child is taking?
I believe that life has been laid out in a way that every thing one does is all in the essence of comfort. People decide that money needs to be made so that their lives would be 'comfortable'. Marriage makes life comfortable for both parties, because they both know that there is that security that their vows (are supposed to) provide them with. Marriage also makes life more comfortable because they know that they wouldn't be the topic of discussion every single time. It makes it more comfortable for the parents, who in their conventional sense, would rather see their children have that elaborate celebration and having the status of husband and wife rather than being 'life partners'. It makes it more comfortable for the kid who goes to school every morning knowing that he is just like any other kid in school: normal. Sure, we might be able to live life like we were infinite and that the world around us doesn't matter. But for how long?
-Eric
p.s. gosh thanks for waking up the brain ryl.
Marriage in today's society has become more of a union of convenience rather than a union of two soul mates. Certainly, there are some who believe that matrimony is a 100% dedication to your spouse, but for many others, marriage is perhaps just a social construct which they use to show that they are "grown ups".
So what is marriage really? Are we only married when we go through the rites of Holy Matrimony? Or if we legalise our union on paper at City Hall? Are we considered married if we have vowed to each other that we're committed for life? Ism't having a kid and deciding to raise the child together a union for life as well? How about gay couples who have sworn to be lifelong partners even without the legal rights?
To me, all these are considered a union of two souls, although the circumstances may be different in each case. Of course, the possibility of divorce is ever present. But the ease of divorce now, many of which are attributed to "irreconcilable differences", leads you to wonder, do people rush too quickly into marriage? Perhaps in society today, the pressure to be accepted as a person, the security of have a lifelong companion and marrying to ensure that you are part of social norms are too much. But really, how can you ever know if you're ready to marry, if the person you who proposes if the "right" one, if the feelings you have will last forever? Truth is, you can't. And so many of us just take that risk to say yes. To give the opportunity at hand a chance, and maybe, just maybe it will last forever.
Lets think for a moment that yes, though one hand we see divorce rates going up, but do these statistics truly represent the fragility of marriage? Comparing the percentage of couples staying together till their hair turning grey to those having overnight divorces, which is really higher?
I think it is inherent in most people looking for love, their objective is to find their other half in life, no matter how much they choose to disguise this need in them. The problem of divorces i believe, is that they realise that their love for each other is not enough for them to overlook, even accept the flaws in their relationship, or even in their loved one.
your post makes marriage sounds like a killjoy. It's so skeptical! Yet some of the things you said were quite true, like "seeing marriage as tying one down, not only settling. Only after a career has been stabilized, would marriage then be part of their option." Money makes the world go round, I guess that's the reason why marriage has taken a social shift in the society today. You wouldnt want to get married without a roof over your head right?
rocknstone: Also for the instances on Vietnam brides, why are men purchasing their wives. True, feelings can be developed, yet what if they don't.. Is their main purpose of getting a wife to satisfy their physical desires and needs? Or as a companion which is as good as finding a dog to keep around. I guess they can't be condemned for doing so, after all should they truly work out it will be a something more than wonderful as well..
yuyyang: You are always so cynical. So am I
I guess most of the time people see marriage as a natural progression of the relationship after X number of years of being together. The most logical reasoning would of course be for reproduction since people's biological clock will start ticking etc. But I feel more often than not, it's for security. In terms of money and status. I mean having a joint bank account when you're not married is quite risky.
Yet what is the point of marriage when people rush into it and end up contributing to divorce rates?
eric: hullo Officer Chia. True, it's a public declaration. And one a couple should be proud of their other halves and make it known. By legalizing it, it creates greater significance for the coming together of a couple and a good load of memories with that comes about. Just like having a birthday celebration! On the other hand, I think the consensus that has been reached is that because of legalizing this unions, it helps to draw the lines that is blurred should a couple only cohabit. Such as division of assets, child custody, alimony of the sorts, it might also be a reason as to why people would want to be legally wed, just in case right?
Well, ditto about the insecurities. When a couple faces a crisis, they will less likely to take the easy way out and end the relationship because of all the messy paperwork and bounded by this legalised matrimony. A girls' market value decreases as her age increase, while for male, the opposite can hold true until a certain age where it doesnt decrease but merely increase exponentially (haha). Hence this puts the females in a dangerous spot! As much as we can say we can live alone and independently for the rest of our lives, it's always nice to have someone around. After all God created Adam and Eve as a set.
If you want to narrow marriage down to "true marriages of love", then perhaps it is true that these are becoming few and far between. But I think true marriages need not necessarily mean what you definited it to be. Marriage means different things to different people. You believe a true marriage is one where there is love (somewhat idealistic and wholesome). A more practical person would think that true marriage is a legal contract which promises stability and financial perks. As long as people believe in adhering to the institution of marriage, regardless of their reasons, the institution of marriage will continue to endure in society.
I think it's up to people to decide what the institution of marriage means to them. All interpretations are equally valid; not only those filled with notions of love. Marriage ftw. :)
Kris: Wonder what Pang ZJ has to say ;) Feelings are so tricky, they come and they go just like that. Yet when a couple spends adequate time together, as they disclose more of themselves, they will probably begin to pick up the "we" mindset at the integrating stage. Then gradually as their relationship develops, each other problems seem to be their own as well. And through these experiences and tribulations, they further get to know each other and grow with each other, in a way part of each other is etched into the other party. Feelings may fade, but sentiments don't. They will surely hit a stagnantion which might lead to a make or break. It also depends how much a couple will want to work out the differences between them. They might use methods of novelty to fight the dullness in their relationship, to undergo social processes such as seeking for help and undego grave-dressing processes. It might help to pick things up between them again.
Despite them losing feelings, but given the sentiments they had for each other in the past, it might help to reframe their relationship as they try things out all over again. But yes, our lives have evolved so much and we are so caught up in this materialistic and superficial world, with so much enticing offers going on around us. It is very hard for a pure and simple relationship to work out anymore as actions that undermine trust such as infidelity seems so prone to happen..
woofworks_5: Yes, there are more long lasting marriages than divorcees but either parties of these strong marriages could possibly undergo divorces before as well, this trend is more likely to reflect in western countries though. But the occurrence of the rate increasing is already an omen.
I think people have the attitude that they should do what their heart says and often enough they rush into things so quickly. When their relationship begins to hit the intensifying stage they immediately proceed to bond with one another, in a holy matrimony. They have yet gone through the the coming apart stages (excluding avoiding and terminating) to really have a taste of what a true relationship is suppose to be. Mostly, it is through quarrels and disputes that a couple is able to know each other better, as they are usually stripped of their "loveydovey" facade and their true characters will really show from the way they start a fight to how they end up resolving it. So essentially, these are the matters that really brings a relationship onto the next level.
Thus they should not simply resort to filing for a divorce just because of a dispute, unless they are truly sick and tired of one another, which seems to be the case most of the times..like what Kris has mentioned as well
But it is such an easy way out!
kandidkester: It is just a reminder for all of you to think twice! Just that my reminder was not done with pleasantly with balloons and confetti..
Yes having a stable job and income to provide the family with is a rational and practical way of planning a life together ahead, the social shift here, however, deals with how people demand more than a stable job. They are looking for a career and a an income that is set above a certain amount. Those who are highly educated with high paying jobs are able to tie the knot since they are "priced" higher and more "desirable". Whereas the blue-collar and lowly educated is less likely preferred as they do not seem "dependable" which isn't true. One just shouldn't be too greedy sometimes..
Don't have to get married. Solves it all. Just an excuse to get cheap HDBs, and legal babies.
I guess the rising cost of living in Singapore is one of the main driving force that makes people think twice before getting married. Hence people will want to have a stable career first before settling down to ensure that their family in the future will have a good life. However, I don't think people should get married for materialistic measures as it will seem to make the marriage look "fake" as they get together just for some motive and not because they really love each other?
Breda
Hi Cheryl!!
HAHAHA the advertisment is so funny!!
Anyway back to topic, yes it is sad that so many marriages are tainted in the sense that people marry for the wrong reasons. And there are plenty of wrong reasons to marry for.
I think that getting married is really a commitment between two parties, for better or for worse.
And to those couples who think that they do not need to legalize marriage as long as they are in love and living with each other - marriage is a commitment to love and continue loving, it is not purely based on feelings which some might feel it is and hence their reason for not getting married.
Hi Cheryl
Indeed, marriage has become very complication nowadays. There are so much to consider when getting married. Money, career, family, in-laws etc. A marriage surviving solely on LOVE is hard to come by, and also hard to sustain. There are bound to be much issue arising in such a marriage. Yet, in the recent years, there is a rise in the number of many who marry due to certain mistakes in life (e.g. one that I know of commonly is due to premarital sex, and you know the outcome and reason for marriage, haha) They marry for the responsibility of their mistakes and might not be due to even love. But well, marriage is not longer that beautiful anymore if you really think of it. Though somehow, despite this, I still have a rather idealistic view of my own marriage. Perhaps everyone tend to idealize their own plans to get married.
JunYing
HAHA at the 60% money and 40% love comment.
I feel that it is very true that society and its notions of marriage has evolved these days. With divorce becoming an acceptable norm, marriage is no longer viewed to be something valuable and 'eternal.' Many people look for material benefits in marriage; therefore, things like pre-nuptial agreements are signed very often before the union of a couple. It is rare to see a couple getting married because they are truly in love these days. Even if they are in love, they do not take the leap right away, couples in Singapore wait till their jobs and income are stable before they make this decision.
Marriage is no longer something beautiful, like JunYing has mentioned, it has now been broken down to something that is heavily influenced by one's status, wealth, and potential to succeed in future. For myself, I do not think I'll agree to marrying someone who I feel is unable to support the lifestyle which I am used to haha.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a golden carriage. Whatever happened to the good old traditional marriage. I guess everything has changed with time, even marriage.
About your point regarding money and marriage, I think it is important to strike a healthy balance between money and love. Yes, love is the foundation to solid marriage but money can make that foundation stronger or weaker depending on the situation. I believe that money is a huge issue between many estranged couples because let's face it, money stresses everyone out. It can easily cause differentiating between a loving couple if not dealt with because it is such a sensitive issue.
A couple who are financially stable are less likely to fight and get a divorce because a source of conflict is eliminated. Of course, that does not mean that there aren't other factors that can cause termination of relationships. Loss of communication, like you said, is a big factor as well. Decrease in self-disclosure can lead to the couple going into stages of disengagement and a downward spiral that ends in divorce.
Sigh, how is a girl supposed to find a good husband and live happily ever after these days!
blacksticks: Even though people know that these are supposedly wrong reasons for marriage, they still do it all the same, with the notion that maybe feelings can be developed. End of the day, it boils down to how they prioritize their vales and their needs in life !
Rachel Lim SY: Yes cohabitation might be a quick exit for couples should anything go wrong with their relationship. I think that is a greater reason than for "testing waters". Marriage is more than just to love and to continue loving, one also has to deal with in-laws and the children right after. A lot of patience is required and when one has to deal with mistrust, what should they do better as well..
Mel.kiew: I do not agree with your on the hormonal aspect of marriage. There are actually so many couples practicing pre-marital sex now and it is really unwise and immature to get married for the sake of answering to their calls of lust because marriage comes with a truckload of responsibilities and is a re-socializing process as everything changes.
Yes, security, financially and also emotionally. One would wish that they would have someone to grow old with and that the person belongs to them only. Of course, all this is said under the context that both parties have feelings/love each other.
distincthues: I guess at least if both parties come to the same consensus, whatever their reasons of getting marriage is and that there are no instances of deception, it would equally work out as well. But should a marriage stem out from love it would be the most beautiful of all to happen!
itsmorethanjustwords: Like what I have replied earlier on, "I guess at least if both parties come to the same consensus, whatever their reasons of getting marriage is and that there are no instances of deception, it would equally work out as well." and that there will be no right or wrong reasons for getting marriage. But if they were to marry for such reasons then it might trigger earlier divorces too don't you think so
sundaytv: I would like to know that too. But I think we should be more concerned getting a degree because I too feel that a career should be stabilized in the very case should anything go wrong, I still can rely on myself; instead of sacrificing everything for marriage and should my marriage go wrong, I would be left with nothing!
I guess if one family is struggling to stay alive might not lead to an unstable relationship. It might actually help to bond the two closer together as they work hard and sacrifice for the family and these sacrifices are recognized by both parties which help them to appreciate more of each other as they are on same wavelength, forming a greater dyadic consciousness.
Adeline: Actually I don't think it is easy to find couples who marry one another on the basis of love since all times. In the past, daughters are married off for dowry to clear debts and such, even now Vietnam brides are being bought. They get matchmaked as the families are compatible on a social level. Nowadays, people get married for shot-gun as well, or for the elites, due to business purposes. The difference is just that nowadays divorces are legalized and considered as the norms whereas before it didn't reflect very well on the girls especially and only the men had a say in this. Maybe with divorces being a norm, people are jumping to marriages more irrationally than before.
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